I have to say
by Bookworm1986
Summary: Brody writes whilst on the run to try and clear his muddled mind. They will never get these notes, but Brody has a lot to say to those he loves and those he doesn't. Self pitying, anger, resentment, joined by a possibly distressing and touchy subject... Please R & R
1. All I have

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Big Homeland fan, big Carrie/Brody fan who is missing them on the show. This is going to be a look at various letters/notes (length will vary) Brody writes whilst on the run to try and clear his muddled mind. I am thinking about doing a separate lot from Carrie. We'll see. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome. I struggle to translate my ideas into writing. I have tried before, however, Homeland has inspired me to give it another go, so help is appreciated. Flaming will not be.

They will be in no particular order. This is deliberate. Brody's thoughts are all over the place.

* * *

Carrie,

I want to wish you a happy Christmas, but it's not is it? You are probably blaming yourself and I need you to not do that, but I know you will. I really just need to be with you.

The tears won't stop. I'm thinking about the kids...and Jess and what this will do to them. I did this to them - this is what I would have done to them if you and Dana hadn't stopped me. Maybe I am a monster. I didn't set that bomb off at Langley and I hope you know that. It's poetic justice thought isn't it? For me, I mean. The tape used to frame me for a bombing I had nothing to do with.

I have no idea where I am or where I am going. Does it matter when I am struggling with who I am? You think there's a good man in here and I want that to be true, I need that to be true. It's hard though because you're not here and all I have are my own thoughts.


	2. Mum

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit5290 - thank you very much. Means a lot given your awesome writing. I am suffering from a severe lack of Brody and Brody/Carrie. More on the way, including possibly one about Chris...Brody actually does know he has two kids!

* * *

Mum,

They say not knowing what happend to me killed you. Four years before it got you. Did you know the pain I was in? Did you know I cried for you? They say a mum always knows.

I knew you were gone when I saw you weren't with Jess and the kids the day I came home, though I still had to ask. My heart shattered that bit more. I guess I was hoping that you could help me deal with my anger, grief and confusion. I never could hide anything from you. Instead, I stewed about what they had done to Issa and the other kids, about Mike and Jess and everything I had lost and missed.

There were chances to speak to someone, chances to admit what was going on before it went too far, but I chose to stay angry and it consumed me. I am not proud and I know you wouldn't be. I pine for the days when a clip round the ear or a stern word from you was all that was needed to make the world right again.

The selfish part of me wishes you were here but the other part of me is glad you're not. If you could see what I have become, that would kill you and I have caused enough death already.


	3. Diaper, no problem

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

indigovioletstargazer - thank you very much. I will do.

I have a few more drafted and am just working out the kinks, with a few more ideas taking root. Damian Lewis's fantastic acting and ability to say so much with expressions lends itself to the idea that under the surface Brody has a lot he could say, if he chose to...

In this chapter Brody shares a story with his son. I have made up a middle name for Chris.

* * *

Chris,

I was so worried I wouldn't be a good dad. I was you know, well before I left for Iraq anyway. I remember the day you were born. I wasn't quite so scared this time, confident even. I was terrified when your mum was in labor with Dana. Still, I'm telling you whatever your mum says about me being the one who needed gas and air is a lie.

I had never changed a diaper before Dana came along but I wasn't bothered about them anymore. There's a picture from the day you were born which tells a story. It's me, you and Dana. Your mum was sleeping when it became apparent you needed your first diaper change and so confident father of two decides he can manage it. You would think that being a man, I would have taken into consideration how very different the plumbing is, wouldn't you? Na, wet diaper off, dry diaper going on...except you decided you weren't finished and confident father of two gets a face full of pee! Not cool, Christopher Joseph Brody, not cool at all. I had asked a Nurse if she would take a photo of you and Dana (I was going to help Dana hold you) and she was waiting until I had finished changing your diaper. However, she decided the moment was too funny to pass up and took that photo. I'm soaking wet and Dana is giggling herself stupid. Way to put yourself in your big sister's good books.

Every picture can say a thousand words to you that I can't. I'm sorry that all you will remember of me is the bad. I could explain why I have done the things I have, why I couldn't speak to you, but that's not how this is supposed to work. I am your dad and you are supposed to unload on me, not the other way about. You probably feel invisible or maybe you are so used to me not being there for you that you don't care, but know that I do love you.


	4. Person of Interest

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit5290 - Thanks. I know, it bugs me as well how Chris is ignored.

A/N I have more chapters coming.

* * *

Carrie,

I had noticed you at Langley, how could I not as you got to work grilling me. Shit, I thought, rumbled already. Estes wasn't happy with you was he? How dare you ask pertinent questions in relation to the safety of National Security? What do you think that is, your job?

What I surmised was that somehow you were onto me and when you "bumped" in to me at the support group, I knew you weren't there by accident. I knew getting to know you would be dangerous, but there was something, I don't know, you were interesting.

It's funny, we shouldn't fit, but we do. I need your comfort. You get it, you get me. I'm so confused and you make me feel better. I was thinking about the Cabin and how I wish we could be there together right now, keeping each other warm. I know how much you will be hurting. You were there for me when I needed you most. I hate that I can't be there for you.

I'd love to bump into you sometime soon.


	5. Brother, what's mine is yours

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

indigovioletstargazer & LilMisfit5290, thanks for the kind reviews. Hope you enjoy this one.

A/N the chapters I was expecting to post next are giving me a bit of trouble. Caution for one or two swear words in this one.

* * *

Mike,

I don't blame you and Jess for falling for one another. She missed me, you missed me, and knowing you, you pissed about for months feeling all conflicted before finally doing something anyway. The truth is that deep down I'm glad you were there and she had support. I wouldn't have wanted her to be alone because I know how that feels and it is shit. You took care of them, like we promised each other, if something happened to one of us, the way brothers do.

I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I am scared. I think all these things that I know I shouldn't. They eat away at me and I can't escape how I feel, which brings me to you. It's not your fault. I know that and yet...I don't hate you, but I can't stand you either.

I know why the sight of you infuriates me at times. I don't want to feel that way, but it's there, the resentment, twisting my insides and it follows me about like a bad smell. You came home and I didn't; you saw my kids grow up and I didn't; you taught Chris how to ride his bike and play soccer; you got to hold Jess in your arms; and while you lived, I merely survived, a ghost of a man that died somewhere in captivity, haunting me.

Looking at the future that won't be mine, all the things I will miss. Will you teach Chris to drive? Will you be the one to give Dana away when she gets married? Will my grandchildren run to you when they can't talk to their parents?

You have my life and I resent you for it.


	6. A dream lost in reality

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Thank you very muh indigovioletstargazer. There are more on the way. Got a few ideas and just trying to organise thoughts.

A/N There is a shout out to Harry Potter in this chapter. Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. It is here solely for its awesomeness and no copyright infringement or money making scheme intended by its inclusion.

* * *

Jess,

Saturday morning walk, holding hands, strolling along not a care in the world, the day we put that padlock up on the fence. You kissed me in an attempt to wipe the huge grin off my face. As if you could given our first time the night before.

We had our own little bubble and we were "hopelessly in love" according to your friends. It seemed as if nothing could touch that. We added Dana and Chris to our little bubble and life was even better than I had dreamed. I loved being a dad and knew I would do anything for them, to keep them safe. I was amazed at how much being a dad could teach me, the joy it brought. We were doing so well.

I thought about the two of us as grandparents. It would be fun embarrassing Dana and Chris with our snogging and I could be the silliest Grandpa in the world. I would read Harry Potter to the grankids like I used to with Dana. Dumbledore will still be cool in 100 years time, you know. We could cuddle up on the couch and you could take advantage...why should the youngsters have all the fun? A wonderful dream getting old together.

The dream vanished and in its place stands a living nightmare. We share the nightmare just as we shared the dream, but on different paths. They broke me and I didn't even realise it, stripped me apart from the inside out. I only wanted to do the right thing, to be a good man and to make you all proud. I never meant to leave you alone. I never meant to bring the terror I swore to protect my Country from into my own home.


	7. Can't see the truth for the lie

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Thank you indigovioletstargazer. Loving your fan fic and looking forward to more.

LilMisfit5290 - Thanks for the shout out on your fic. Can't wait to see what Carrie is up to.

A/N Damian Lewis said in an interview there is an immaturity about Brody. This is so true. He has a special bond with Dana that is clear. However, he leans on her too much for someone so young. He has this selfish need for her to know the truth even if it pains her further and misses the point as well. There is a lovely deleted scene from Marine One with Dana and Brody. I see why they took it out despite it being a very good scene. It would possibly have made you feel for Brody and take away from the shock value of what he had just done to Carrie. I will be referring to that scene in this chapter.

* * *

Dana,

I have lied to you and I know how much you will hate that.

You know now what I had intended on doing the day Carrie came to the house. That is what that tape was made for, what I was supposed to do that day. I tried to tell you when I spoke to you that night what you meant and how glad I was you had made the call, but even the truth was laced with lies. I couldn't admit then what I was and I put it back on you. It hurt to know you had expected the worst of me...and you had been right to, the horrible truth I couldn't escape from. I know why I thought blowing up the Vice President was a good idea. I was grieving when I made the promise to avenge Issa's death and maybe I'll tell you about him someday.

I shouldn't have told you about it the way I did. I thought that later once you had calmed down I could explain properly, but fate had a cruel twist for me.

I did not set off that bomb at Langley or have anything to do with it. I know you will struggle to accept this, particularly because of the tape - came back to bite me that did. I deserve it.

Our relationhip is different. You remembered me whereas Chris couldn't, you were open minded where your mother was not. You took the time to get to know the man who came home and I am not sure you understand quite how important that became. You knew something was wrong in Gettysburg and you knew something was wrong that morning. I spoke about you to Carrie. See, she took the time to get to know me too. Its why she came to the house that day and its why you phoned me. You both cared and in doing so, you stopped me crossing that line.

Thank you.


	8. This is real

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N I am still working on the chapters which will push the rating to M. They just don't feel right yet. Not sure when I will post them. However, should I drop off the main page, the rating going up will be the reason.

* * *

Carrie,

I broke you, made you doubt yourself in the worst possible way. It should have been unforgivable and yet you told me you love me. You should hate me, more than anyone, but you don't.

You were brutally honest with me as I sat across from you in interrogation, offering up a bit of yourself to help me open up and you were right there for me as I crumbled to pieces. I didn't deserve that comfort.

There were opportunities to tell you what was going on and there is only regret that I did not take them. If I had, maybe it wouldn't have come to this...our separation and the fear of not seeing one another again.

I'm struggling to keep hope, struggling to keep the anger and resentment at bay. I am afraid of losing myself again. You are my strength and I weep thinking of how I nearly destroyed you. You see all of me, the good and the bad, stripped bare and I don't mind because you don't run from it. Someone, somewhere has taken mercy on me and if we do meet again, I'll say those three words you have been waiting to hear, because you know what Carrie, this is real.


	9. Pawn of the Father

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

indigovioletstargazer - thank you very much for your reviews. I am glad you are enjoying.

LilMisfit5290 - I know. I am right there with you, but at least we can keep him alive through fan fic, if they do kill him off the show.

A/N Caution for some swearing.

* * *

Mum,

How is it possible to feel so many emotions at once, especially when they conflict? I feel as if I am being pulled in every direction. I want to scream until my throat is raw and I black out. Why don't people care? Why is it acceptable?

He didn't know who he was, who his father was, the life that was mapped out for him, the monster people had decided he was going to be to silence their consciences and justify their actions. He was just a child...and I loved him like he was my own.

He didn't know I was a prisoner. I played soccer and said prayers with him. I took him to school and read him stories. I drew pictures with him. All the things I should have been doing with Chris. For so long had brutality and pain been my daily routine. He gave me hope and reminded me that humans could be kind to one another, reminded me I was a father. For the first time in years, I was loved.

Walden took that away. I can't think of him without wanting to break something. Not once, in all the time I spent with him did he give the slightest sign that it haunted him. He used that Drone attack to push himself onto the political ladder and how proudly he would have climbed to the top of it. Well, the Bastard didn't see me coming. I know it would pain you to hear me speak like that, but he shattered the already broken heart of a broken man into tiny pieces and It's a blow I haven't recovered from.

Carrie opened my eyes to what Nazir had done to me, yet why did I cry when he was killed? Why did I have to mourn that man even just slightly? I feel ill, I can't make sense of it all. He hurt me in the worst ways imaginable.

My own children missed their father. I saw the uncertainty on Chris's face when I came home. My boy didn't know me and it hurt. Dana was happy to have me home. I wasn't a fucking inconvenience to her, I was her dad. Now though, my children have lost their dad for a second time and, this time I must take some of the blame, but its easier to look to Walden and Nazir and hate them for what they have done to me. I wish Carrie was here. She cares and she would help me deal with it because she loves me, but I am on my own and I can feel myself slipping. I'm terrified, mum, of what I might do. I hate them so much.

He was supposed to just be a child and he was, an innocent child. They made him something worse, but in my grief I fell for it, disrespected his memory. Pawn of the Father, Issa Nazir.


	10. Light fades to Darkness

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Indigo and LilMisfit5290. Thanks for sticking with...might need hankies for this chapter.

A/N The first of the two that have been giving me so much trouble. I knew I wanted to do one to Walden and that it would be tricky. It has been a difficult one to write and is actually much different from how it started out. Accidently deleting it at one point didn't help either! Anyway, here it is, love it or hate it. Possibly distressing and touchy subject in this chapter so extra caution for that. Caution also for swearing.

Brody tells the story of one of the children caught in the Drone attack, because Issa may have been the main motivation, but Brody cares about them all. Completely made up back story. May be slightly AU as might not sit quite with timeline on the show.

As ever, constructive criticism welcome, flaming not.

* * *

Formerly Director of the CIA, died Vice President Walden,

Did you feel betrayed as I hastened your exit from the world, as light faded into darkness? I hope so. It's how I felt that day when 81 kids died from your drone attack...it's how I felt the day after.

I found Issa...he had always been quiet and shy, no wonder living with Nazir, but this was a different kind of quiet and it was unbearable. It couldn't be true, he was only pretending, just like when he didn't want to get out of bed early. He was going to open his eyes and he was going to smile at me. I held him, singing softly to him. I don't know how long I sat with him, but the tears came with the realisation that he wasn't pretending, he wasn't going to wake up.

I was numb and all around me the pain of others as they found their little ones echoed, trapping us all in hell. It was then I heard it, a little voice, somewhere nearby crying for help. I didn't want to leave Issa, but there was a child still alive. I found him underneath some rubble and a boy, who had his arm over him protectively. It turns out he was his older brother. I like to believe he had tried to protect his younger brother, it gives me comfort. We managed to get him out and get him to Hospital. He survived the night and was fighting his injuries. It looked like there was going to be one reason amongst all the hurt to smile...he died the next morning as his injuries eventually took their toll..and light faded into darkness.

They're not American kids, so who gives a fuck, right? I do, you prick. Don't pretend this was for the good of America, this was all about you. You could have waited for when the kids would be safely out of the way, but no your schedule, your need to get yourself noticed, was more important than the lives of innocent kids.

Thre are no words for how much I despise every inch of you. When I stepped off that plane on my return, it was all about you. You wanted to be there to welcome home the hero and to be seen with me, all part of your ambition to be President. Announcing me as a candidate for Vice President, all about you.

Fuck you.


	11. Dana Brody & the Unfinished Story

Disclaimer - i do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N There is also a very big shout out to Harry Potter in this chapter. Includes a quote from Goblet of Fire. Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. It is here solely for its awesomeness and no copyright infringement or money making scheme intended by its inclusion.

* * *

Dana,

We are strange creatures, human beings. We spend all our time wishing for something, then we get it and take it for granted. We don't see what is right in front of us. It dawns on us, usually too late. This is kind of like that. I heard you mocking the Harry Potter books to Chris and, because there was so much going on elsewhere, it didn't register. Nor did the fact you said you hadn't read the books. It's something I should have picked up on.

So they are rubbish now and you haven't read them because they're rubbish? You can't know something is rubbish if you've never read it, can you? We both know that's a lie though.

It was a normal Saturday night and you had again managed to twist my arm into reading extra chapters. Your mum always said you had me wrapped around your pinkie. These weren't happy chapters though and hugs were required, as we read about Harry's suffering, Cedric and Dumbledore's speech. You cried yourself to sleep in my arms that night. You loved those books and we read the first four together, silly voices and all. It's funny, well ok it's not funny, but it is the strangest thing, there was a point in captivity where the words CONSTANT VIGILANCE suddenly sprang to mind and I couldn't help but laugh.

That was our thing, reading those books. I know you had looked forward to book 5 coming out. I was looking forward to reading it with you when I got home. If you were to re-read them now, you would see them differently than you did as a 7/8 year old, maybe even apprecciate them more than you did then. You wont pick them up though will you? Is it too hard because it wouldn't be the same, your not the same and I'm not the same? The magic has gone. Are we squibs now? Is the Harry Potter series to remain unfinished for Dana Brody forever? Something you enjoyed was suddenly taken away because I wasn't there, a part of your childhood destroyed. Maybe you held off hoping I would be home soon, I'd be like Sirius Black. Saddly, I think I'm probably Wormtail.

Is it that you were afraid that enjoying them without me would be like giving up on me? You couldn't enjoy them anymore and so you chose to hate instead, getting angry with those who could.

The thing is Dana the Harry Potter books will be popular for generations, so what happens when your own kids want to read them. Will you deny them because it hurts you too much? I like to think I was a good dad before the shit hit the fan, so listen to that man because he's speaking to you now. Don't make that mistake.

What was it Dumbledore said about Cedric?

_""Remember Cedric. remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happend to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory."_

Do one thing for me and for yourself. Pick up those books again, take back that part of your childhood that was stolen from you...and when you cry at the end of Goblet of Fire your kid will think you're just trying to make them feel better about crying.

The end of Goblet of Fire is when Harry lost his innocence, I guess you share that with him. So read the last 3, because you never know, you might both share a happy ending too.


	12. Someone

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit5290 - Thank you for allowing me a PM rant about the finale. It helped.

A/N I have tried to finish this chapter as best I can, but don't feel messing about with it much more will help. The finale has interrupted my muse. Reviews are welcome as ever, but please no flaming. Thank you.

* * *

Mum,

I told you there was someone I could have spoken to before it went too far. Her name is Carrie Mathison.

She got stuck right into me during that first debriefing, but her boss wasn't happy with her line of questioning and tried to quieten her. I say tried, he wasn't that successful. Not many people will find it easy to shut her up. She's determined...really determined...piss off everybody determined!

I felt a connection to her and, even though I knew it would be dangerous to get close to her, I couldn't help myself. Jess and Chris wanted home the man I was before. I can't blame them for that, but it didn't help me, because I can't be that man ever again. I could wish a million times to be him again, but I can't be.

The Marine Corps and Walden wanted a poster boy for their own agendas, they didn't give a crap about how I felt or even care enough to notice I wasn't right.

This is me now, the reality, the brutality and the uncertainty. She gets that. She sees right through me. My scars don't scare her and she doesn't run from my nightmares. She doesn't need me to be someone else, even though I'm the man who nearly destroyed her. I don't know how she found it in herself to forgive me for what I did, but I am so glad she did.

I am scared that I won't make it, that we won't make it. Most of all, I am scared I won't get to telll her how much I love her.


	13. Disappointment from Victory

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Indigo - thank you as ever for the reviews and kind words.

livulmann - thank you for the kind review you left on my short poem Life. Much appreciated. Hope you are enjoying this one as well.

Thank you to the two of you and LilMisfit for sticking with and encouraging me to keep this going. Thank you to everyone else who is reading as well.

A/N I had originally planned a chapter early on where Brody rants at his dad, but it didn't feel right as I wasn't sure whether or not this was the way to go, so I put it on the shelf. Now the S3 Finale has given an indication of the way to go, so here it is.

* * *

Dad,

I can't ignore the truth anymore. I have been avoiding writing to you. Mum always did the shouting and, I could cope with that, but your disappointment always got to me. I derseve much more than that now. I don't know what you would think of me exactly, but what I imagine gives me no comfort.

You managed to serve and be a good father, so why couldn't I? I wanted to make you proud, knowing that if you had been able you'd have answered the call yourself.

I know how disappointed you'd be that I feel nothing for my country anymore, but I don't believe it's worth it, any of it, the fighting, justifying what suits us and condemning what doesn't. I feel only for the damage I have done to my family and to Carrie.

I remember clearly when we went out to celebrate Dana's birth...when we got home you were so drunk and, for a change mum ended up shouting at you, instead of me. I admit to being stuck between amusement and horror as you then tried to persuade mum upstairs. The contrast between you and me right there in that moment, true, I didn't need to see it, but it was funny. What Chris and Dana have seen me do or know I was going to do most certainly isn't funny. I have left them and Jess ruined forever.

The mess I have made is unfixable. The warm and happy family life I once had seems like it happened to a different person. Maybe it did. They did something to me, changed me into their own personal weapon. They want to destroy us all, to tear us apart. I can't help but feel I am a victory for them.


	14. Why not?

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

* * *

Nazir,

I find myself wondering what Issa would be like now, the way I used to wonder what Dana and Chris would be like when I was trapped in that hole...you know, the one you put me in. I cried when I was told you were dead and, I wish I could say it was out of relief, but it wasn't, because there's a part of me that does love you like a brother and that sickens me.

I have realised that my children are scared of me and probably hate me now. I can't help but think back to all those times when it was obvious Issa was terrified of you and either you didn't notice or didn't care. I couldn't understand that indifference and coldness. I still don't. It haunts me to know how much I have hurt my own children.

You would hate to hear it, just as he would, deny it with outrage and all sorts of nonsense. You were both strong in your belief that your actions were necessary and justified. You and Walden would have been very happy together. I wish I could take comfort in the fact you are both dead, but I can't because I live in the wreckage you have left behind...I am the wreckage you have left behind.

Dana Brody, Chris Brody, Finn Walden, Issa Nazir. Two dead and two living a hellish nightmare. What wonderful parents we have been. Toxic, that is what you have made me and I'm sure you are proud.

Oh how I wish I could go back to that first debriefing at Langley. How I wish I could hear Carrie ask me about you for the first time, again, because this time I would answer yes, yes I did know you, yes there was a plan and I was supposed to be a part of it. How I wish I could undo the damage done. Why? For Dana and Chris, but also for Issa, because as I think about it, I knew him. I lived in the same house with him. Who said prayers with him, played soccer with him, helped him with homework and took him to School? It certainly wasn't you. You had decided he would follow you, just as Walden had decided it and you used him to get to me. He was a child, not a chess piece! He was everything you were not. He was quiet, gentle and good. I feel shame now because I am certain he would not have wanted revenge. Children want love and my own have been denied this for your plan. Issa wouldn't have wanted that.

The damage can't be undone, so I am left here wishing I could hate you and hating that I can't.


	15. A good man

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit - thank you for the shout out on your wonderful fic. Farrah's timing is impeccable. I have another story idea that has me excited. I mentioned it to you in my pm. I'm currently jotting down notes and drafting various paragraphs of ideas that come into my head. I'm still doing this one and any one shots that pop into my head as well.

A/N Chris Brody lives here too!

* * *

Chris,

Time passes strangely on the run. I can spend hours alone, doing nothing but writing and thinking and then suddenly there are 15 minutes of sheer terror, trying to avoid getting caught. Today, so far, there has been no terror. I have been thinking a lot about the three of you, but especially you.

Your mother will be sad, Dana will be angry, but what will you be? It bothers me that I don't really know. It is an indication of how neglected you have been. Always silently in the background and, it worries me that you never spoke up or shouted, that you just stayed there. You are a good kid, but eventually it's going to dawn on you that you deserved better than what you got and that's when you will get angry. It's not fair that I haven't been there for you and yet I am asking something of you. You may well call me a hypocrit and, you would probably be right, but please don't stay silently in the background suffering. It's what I did and is the reason you are all suffering now. There are lessons you can learn from me and, whilst they're not the lessons I would have wished to have taught you, it's important that you learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

I'm supposed to be teasing you about girls. I'm supposed to be pretending to your mum that I am a mature adult male who can speak sensibly to his son about sex, but who really is blushing as much as you are, staring pointedly at the wall, stumbling over the word condom.

It makes me sad to know how much you have missed. You have done nothing wrong, the fault is all mine.

All parents do it even though we swear we won't. We can't help it. Our kid is the best at this, our kid is better looking, our kid is the best at that. The need to be proud and show off your kid. Children competing before they can even crawl.

Dads want their sons to be proud of them just as much as their sons want to be their dad. All those times you stood in the background as something else went to hell, as you went unnoticed again. Did you ever wonder what you had to do to make me proud? I'm not a hero and I don't want you to be like me. I don't want you to be a better soccer player than someone else. I don't want you to be better at Maths than someone else. I don't want you to be a better athlete than someone else. There is something much more important than any of that. It should be the most human thing in the world and, yet surprisingly, few manage it.

I just need you to be a good man.


	16. Break

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Indigo - Thank you very much. I'm really glad you are liking this.

Livulmann - Thank you also. I miss Brody as well...lets keep him alive in fan fic.

Guest - On the off chance that the guest who left the review on "All for Nothing" is reading this as well, thank you.

A/N Brody speaks to people in general. Some swearing. Caution though for the actual content of what Brody describes.

* * *

Dear All,

I'm the bad guy, that's what the news is. I can just imagine your indignation. You'd rather judge than think about what was done to me.

_My vision swam as I slowly regained consciousness and I could hear voices echoing around me. My head was pounding. The voices were getting louder, closer and, the closer they became, the clearer it was that they were not friendly. That's when it started._

I've been unfortunate enough to see some of the words written about me. I am angry at myself, as it has dawned on me now that the purpose for which that video was originally intended wouldn't have brought justice, that it wasn't the right thing to do. Now it had brought pain to my family.

_They wanted to know where my unit were based. Excruciating pain accompanied every blow to my body, as I refused to answer. I wouldn't give in. I saw through a haze of pain a horrible, sadistic smile on the face of one of my tormentors. It said clearly, you will give in, eventually...I wouldn't!_

You are judging and blaming my wife and children. Harbouring a terrorist? Oh do fuck right off. The only thing they are guilty of is wanting their husband and father home.

_They weren't happy which I hoped meant they hadn't found my unit, but it meant bad things for me. My main tormentor was livid. His eyes were blazing with rage as he beat me into unconsciousness again...the darkness was a welcome relief. _

What about all those people besides my wife and children that I spent time with? What about judging them? Why didn't they see what was right in front of them? I'll tell you why, because like all of you, they see only what suits them, when it suits them. They needed me front and centre, their poster boy.

_I hoped my unit were gone as I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold on. They taunted me about being left behind. This was it for me, I would never be free again. Here, I would be suspended in misery and pain until I died. _

It's not enough you know, waving your flags and calling us heroes. For a start, it's not what we need. We need peace and quiet. We need to be listened to and not patronized. It scares you, doesn't it? When not everyone who has served agrees with "get them before they get us", so you talk to us like we are stupid little children struggling with a puzzle.

_Four figures I could hardly see. They obviously meant something to me as I felt warm and comfortable, but why couldn't I see them properly? What are their names, who are they to me? Drifting, they are drifting away from me. "No" I heard a voice scream and, as I once again re-entered the world of the conscious, I realised it had been my own, for there was my tormentor replying with a savage "Yes" as he continued to relentlessley beat my feet with a bat. _

But you're all brave aren't you? So brave, from the safety of your homes and streets. So easy to judge, so easy never to look further than what you have been told. You need that, you don't want to question, afraid of the answers. So you live that lie because it comforts you. After all, it wouldn't be you, would it? You wouldn't give in to those fuckers. No, you'd rather fucking die first!

_Every breath hurt as my body felt like it was on fire, every nerve ending screaming and raw. I had no way of knowing how long I had been here, of knowing whether it was day or night. I was hanging from the ceiling naked. A baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire ripped me to shreds with every hit. I screamed as I felt something warm trickling down my legs. I had pissed myself and the piss was stinging my open wounds. There was no let up as my vision blurred once again. I screamed for my mother and knew no more._

So, let me ask you a question, what if their plan wasn't to have you die, only to let you think that was the end game? What if they let you think you'd won? What if it hadn't crossed your mind that you had broken...after all you are standing, talking and alive. The pain has stopped, finally the pain has stopped, or so you think, because we think of the physical don't we? Not the psychological or emotional. What if you didn't realise your were more broken than you ever thought possible?

Are you still brave now?


	17. And you're not

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Because I needed to write something about C/B to cheer myself up. Brody recalling one of his and Carrie's sexual encounters (from S2 Ep 8 "I'll fly away") and what it meant to him. So caution for that. This is the second of the chapters (which I mentioned ages ago now) that has given me so much trouble. Like the Walden chapter, it is significantly different than how it started out.

Fan fic is Brody's temple now!

* * *

Carrie,

"You said you're all alone...and you're not"

I'm trying to hold on to that thought, I really am. I dream of you when I think of that and it makes me feel better.

Though I knew you needed me to go through with meeting Roya, I also knew you meant it. I saw it in your eyes, the way you looked at me with love, passion and desire radiating off you in waves.

Your kiss was soft, gentle and true, allowing me to find the truth I was searching for. You deepened the kiss and I felt my own passion rise. You had taken risks to keep me alive and safe, more than you should have. I couldn't have found the words to tell you how much it meant, instead I responded by deepening the kiss further.

It wasn't like our first couple of times together when we were ripping each others' clothes off and behaving like teenagers. We knew each other well now. I had planned on taking it slow, but you knew what I needed better than I did at that point. If I had thought I couldn't get any more worked up than I was, I had been wrong, but I should have known better. You knew exactly what you were doing when you pulled me over to that dresser, opened yourself to me and told me to take what I needed. I think my blood pressure went through the roof.

You're beautiful and there's so much I love about being with you. I love kissing your kneck and hearing your moans in response. I love that you are so uninhibited and your hands are all over me, everywhere at once. You're not afraid to ask for what you want, encouraging me to do the same. You cling to me desparately and I do the same, losing myself completely in you. I love that when we curl up to go to sleep, I feel safe and warm and I don't need to worry about having nightmares, because you won't run from me.

It's just as well I don't have to get out soon, the sticky wet patch on the front of my pants would be obvious. It's hot in the back of this van and I feel tired and sleepy. I should stop writing now. I can feel my eyes getting heavy. I can take comfort now, knowing I'm not alone, as your face is the last thing I will see before I drift off to sleep.


	18. Silly Daddy

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

I have decided to put this back to "T" as I don't think the two chapters I was worried about have turned out as bad as expected and I think I was being extra cautious with the M rating.

LilMisfit - Thanks for your kind words in your a/n of your latest chapter. Looking forward to Carrie leading Brody to the place she knows...

Terzima - Been great talking with you. Hope you enjoy this.

Thanks to everyone still reading.

A/N Brody was a good father at one time.

* * *

Dana & Chris,

Sunday mornings were our time, the three of us, as we left mum to have a long lie.

No alarm clock needed. Without fail, as 7am came, I'd hear "shhhh, Chris" then the sound of little feet trying not to be heard. In you would come, Dana, right up to my side of the bed "daddy, daddy" you'd whisper trying to wake me up and trying not to wake up your mum. Of course, I was already awake but had to pretend not to be as that was part of the fun...until the first time you decided tickling my feet was a good way to wake me up. Your mum was silently shaking with laughter beside me that time.

After going in to rescue Chris from the tangle of his blankets he'd somehow managed to create during the night, we'd go to the living room. Cartoons were a Sunday morning ritual.

I'd make the trip to the kitchen to make the pancakes for me and you and fix Chris's disgusting baby food. I swear you knew it was disgusting, Chris, as you refused to take it until you had seen me take some first. Dana, you were a big girl and didn't need me to feed you anymore and, I risked hands on hips and a frown, if I even suggested you might.

Chris, you loved me being as silly as possible whilst feeding you. Your giggling was infectious. Whilst your sister was watching one of her girly fairy cartoons, we'd have a play fight which you inevitably won...never underestimate the power of the mighty slabber! The fun didn't stop there. Hilarity was a must on a Sunday morning. Once Chris had tired me out, the three of us would cuddle up on the couch, watching more cartoons until it was time to take mum breakfast in bed.

Sunday mornings, our happy, peaceful, smiley time.

I wish we could go back to those innocent times. I could usually be found doing something on a Sunday morning to merit hearing, with all the seriousness a little girl could manage, whilst watching her dad acting the clown and her little brother giggling, at whatever stupid thing I was doing:-

"You silly, Daddy".


	19. One more mother

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

* * *

Mum,

I thought I was burying Tom, but I was wrong, because Tom wasn't dead. I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to live, so I did what they wanted. I beat him to death, or so they made me think. Perhaps if I hadn't been so broken, I would have realised what they were doing, what they had planned for me and known that dying would have been the better option. The physical torture may have ended eventually, but it was replaced by the mental torture. Trapped inside the prison of my own mind, never able to escape the things I had done, was being prepared to do. Round and round, cricling, swimming in my mind, drowning my very senses until I was cold and emotionless...in their world, ready to come home to do what they needed me to.

I've no idea why I am thinking about this now. Maybe it is because I have so much time to think or because my conscience is catching up with me. There's a woman I can't stop thinking about. I don't know her name or if she is still alive. If she is dead, she wasted away from not knowing. She's like you, she lost her son and he's never coming home. He's the nameless, faceless man I buried, the one I thought was Tom. Stowed away at the back of my mind, insignificant, meaningless, unimportant. Except that he wasn't, he was just like me and his mother, just like you. I could have said something when I realised Tom was still alive, but I didn't because I was too worried about "the mission" and not getting caught. The blasted mission, the cause of so much misery. If she is alive, the despair of never ending hope will be torturing her very existence. Every day when her front door opens and it is not him who walks through, the need to believe in a happy ending, deprives her of the life she should be getting on with.

I don't know why they killed him. Maybe he was braver than I was and showed no sign of breaking, or maybe just because they could. Afterall, what is it to them if they cause unimaginable pain to one more mother?

* * *

A/N I am going on the basis that if they could make Brody think he had beaten Tom to death when he hadn't, they could make him think it was Tom he was burying, when it wasn't. AU depending on whether or not you believe it was Tom and Nazir had him dug up later. I'm going with it being someone else and Brody realising it after Tom showed up.


	20. Seeing what matters

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Indigo - nice to see you back. Thanks for the reviews, especially the one for Chapter 18. Very kind and much appreciated. I'm sadly doubting the writers will refind the brilliance that was S1.

A/N Brody talking to everyone again. Updates on this one may be a bit more sporadic for a while as The Long Goodbye has taken over.

* * *

We're all so concerned about looks. They shouldn't matter, but we're our own worst enemies because we make such a big deal out of them. Something we apparently can't help, leaving ourselves open to manipulation by family, friends and the more sinister.

How well they knew what buttons to push, how to cause the most damage. It seems like they had counted on me not being able to reconnect with Jess. That she wouldn't be able to cope with the way I looked and I would withdraw emotionally as well, creating that tension and uncertainty. Proving once and for all that there was no way back to where we once had been. That wonderful little we had was gone forever.

They hadn't taken into account Carrie Mathison. I can't really blame Jess as the scars once bothered me too. Jess couldn't get past them though. I'd see her flinch everytime she looked at me, until I reached the point where I wouldn't take my top off in front of her if it could be helped.

Maybe if I had realised sooner, I could have helped her see and we could have been ok. We would have made it work, but the reality is that could never be, because it was Carrie who made me see. I didn't have to hide from her, pretend that I wasn't damaged. She had scars of her own.

The ones that cover my body are many and varied. Each has a story of pain and horror to tell, forged over hours or days. Carrie told me that they weren't a problem, weren't the problem. They will always be there, but they would fade and heal as best as they could on their own without any help from me. One day I'd get up and I would hardly even notice them. I had thought initially that she was wrong, but she was right...as usual.

Having been so focused on them, I over looked the real problem, the scars I couldn't see. The emtotional and mental scars, the ones that I did need help with...the ones which have caused the most pain and irrepairable damage upon me and everyone around me.


	21. Destroying our future

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Livulmann - Thank you. I'm glad!

A/N Another one to Mike. Thank you for sticking with me everyone. Please R & R.

* * *

Mike,

There are days when I resent you completely and there are days when the need for my best friend manages to silence that resentment. Today is one of those days.

I didn't blow up Langley. It's ironic that just when I thought I was starting to get a grip on things, this happens. I can only imagine what you think of me now. I know how it looks, coming after I asked you to take care of them for me. It looks like I was saying goodbye. I wasn't. Jess and I don't fit anymore and you can provide her and the kids with more stability than me. That's all it was.

So if I didn't blow up Langley, what about that video?

Between them Nazir and Walden have done so much damage to me. You're wondering what Walden has to do with it? Everything, Mike, he has everything to do with it. I bet no one's even paying attention to what I say about those kids, are they? For some of them, it will be because their own anger at what I have apparently done is blinding them. For others, they are willingly choosing to ignore it, rather than acknowledge the possibility that we aren't always the good guys. Stick their fingers in their ears and shout about our freedom. Regardles of the stupidty of other people, it's my own that has undone me. I realise now that blowing Walden up when I was supposed to, wouldn't have brought justice for those kids, only more pain and suffering.

I broke, Mike, simple as that. What we were all so adamant we wouldn't do in the face of the enemy. Naive and righteous as we were. It's like Carrie said, they broke me down and rebuilt me as someone else. When that drone killed those kids, I was there to see the pain and grief of their families. I felt the loss as well. I had come to regard Issa as my own. White hot fury burned away inside of me. I was an inferno of raging hot lava bubbling away inside a volcano, waiting to explode. Nazir saw this and decided to use it. Back I would come to get that vile piece of shit Walden and any other involved.

The day Tom shot Elizabeth Gaines is when I was supposed to take Walden and everyone else in that bunker out. I was going to do it, but the vest malfunctioned first time. I thank God for that now, but I'm even more thankful that Dana phoned me, making me promise to come home.

My little girl, with one phone call breaking down all those walls I had built up around me. So much good from one innocent kid. 82 of them Mike, 82 innocent little kids with life ahead of them...just gone because of the cold hearted indifference of that horrible fuck Walden. He probably justified it by telling his conscience, if the fucker even had one, that they'd all grow up to be terrorists anyway. Who is he to decide what they would be? Is it possible they could all grow up to be even bigger monsters than him? He should not have the right to make that decision.

Kids are off limits! Those kids had the right to live! Children are our future, the best of us and when we kill them through our own fear and greed, we deny this fucked up world a chance to better itself for the good of all.


	22. International Language

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N I haven't forgotten about this fic!

* * *

I have been thinking about you a lot today. No surprise given what today is.

You just wanted to be loved unconditionally. Such a difference from all those other people who wanted and needed something from me, not caring how much of me was destroyed in the process.

You are quite possibly one of the few completely honest and innocent things in my life over the last 10 years. It hurt so much to lose all of that, so much that I walked a dark path and lost myself completely. I'm lost again now, but then you never knew I was lost in the first place.

So shy at first, eventually you warmed to me. You saw me as your teacher. Your innocence meant you didn't realise you were mine as well. I taught you English, you taught me how to smile again, to love and be loved...and to hope.

I had hated school so much, taken it for granted and complained about it. What a lesson you taught me about the joy of learning, whether for the first time or all over again, if one were only willing. The joy isn't just from learning itself, but having someone to share it with.

You liked stories, usually a good spy story which is incredibly ironic as there's nothing good about the one I'm living...well ok, I sort of have the girl so it's not all bad.

You liked the calmness of us saying morning prayer together and the madness that could be a game of soccer.

I would love to see you now. Would you still be shy and stuttering when the girl from School walked past you?...oh, yes, I noticed! Would you still have your love of soccer? I hope so because you were good. Lots of questions, demanding answers that will never come.

Some people reckon they know how you would have turned out. Some people were certain you would do as you were told and follow their path. Me? So much love and hope wrapped up in you, pint size, I'm confident you would have surprised the world.

I owe you an apology because I forgot an important lesson you taught me, as my son and daughter could confirm.

You taught me how to be a father again, the best lesson in the world. Wherever you are, I hope you're having a good day...

Happy Birthday, Issa.

* * *

A/N This was quite a hard one to decide how Brody would write to Issa. What he would and wouldn't say. Hope it comes across ok.

Please read and review. Thanks.


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